Something happened to me just now. An interaction between me and a couple of strangers, two young girls. It was the sort of shit that most people pay no mind to, in fact they most likely just get pissed off and then let it go. In short: it was something and nothing. Except that it typified a lot of the interactions I have, even with people I know.
I was driving my car down a road narrowed by a line of parked cars on one side. The road had a gradual curve to it, meaning you couldn't see oncoming cars that far ahead. I'd stopped before the line of cars, to let a car I could see have priority. Before I could restart, I saw another approaching car and gave way to that car too. Then I set off only to see two oncoming cars, I was now level with the obstacle and it was difficult for cars to pass. The first of the two cars saw that I'd moved closer to one side and there was a gap to pass and passed. The second car didn't advance. The driver and her friend both gestured to suggest I needed to resolve the issue. So, I crept forward and put as much of my car as I could into a small gap between two of the parked cars. The girls drove their car at mine, to pull close along side so they could wind down their window to talk to me. Even though I knew they would just bark angry nonsense at me, I too wound down my window - as I didn't want to ignore their obvious overture. The driver using heavy sarcasm pointed out that she couldn't pass me where I was originally and that she felt she had the right of way, and didn't want to mount the pavement to travel past.
I listened to all of that. Then I said: I understood what she was saying but...whereupon she drove off.
I felt horrible. I wanted to point out that I couldn't have seen her car or stopped earlier and that I had twice, in the end, moved to make way for her and another car had managed to pass by. What did she expect I could have done better? And what point is made by belittling anyone when the situation has been easily remedied.
Why did I care? Why couldn't I just ignore her or brush it off as a silliness or arrogant person who needs to correct everyone else's behaviour?
In the first instance it's an inbuilt thing in me: I feel I must allow all questioning, to not to do so would be an arrogant act saying: you can teach me nothing. Allied to this is the fact that I want to be reasonable and been seen to be reasonable. To do that I must listen, and respond only when I feel my motives had some virtue to them that in part or whole justified my action. Accept wrong when no reply can be offered, accept wrong when motive is fair but doesn't cover the resulting action or receive acceptance when the reply satisfies the original query or complaint.
The trouble is this invariably leads me into encounters where I'm unreasonably attacked, I respond giving the attack legitimacy of sort, only to be ignored or accused of not being able to accept when I'm in the wrong. Accused of the opposite of what's allowed me to accept the discussion moving towards what many might consider ad hominem attack and not proper discussion and just angrily reject it.
These girls felt they could tell me off. In the end I allowed them to do just that. And was left feeling wrong and wronged. Hurt and embarrassed. Feeling guilty because i couldn't see if my motives were good because those I'd offended, hadn't accepted them - leaving me to implicitly accept that I was wrong.
Other peoples perception is always more important than mine. If I think I'm reasonable that is meaningless if others don't. If I can't appeal to reason and find out what if any case I need to answer, I'm left feeling unreasonable but unable to fix it.
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